Outbreak of New Lethal Strain of Tanorexia in Belfield

Author’s identity withheld for his own safety

Leading medical experts have expressed their concern at the sightings of people with a new lethal strain of Tanorexia.

"Fake tan related conditions have been rampant in Belfield ever since the launch of TV3 and with it shows such as Footballers’ Wives", said a leading scientican.

"Until now they have been reasonably manageable but this new strain is causing great concern", he said.

Though technically a disorder, the contagious manner in which the first outbreak of Tanorexia spread throughout the Arts block has led our experts to equate it with a disease.

"The 2002 strain, or the Euro-faketanallover as it is commonly known, was mainly limited impressionable girls in Arts and Business and legal studies", said Dr Science-man. "There was some spread into Commerce but critically the male population went unaffected."

Chartbusters have been held largely responsible for the increased interest in fake tans in the past decade.

"The rays generated by these machines target the ’cop-on’ centre of the brain. As we know for a fact that radiation hinders the ability of this part of the brain to function we can calculate that this is why people actually believe the tan looks plausible", said Prof. Smarticus.

Patient Zero of the new strain hasn’t been identified but allegedly he wears the number 8 jersey for UCD and answers to the name Gary Dicker.

"He looks like a tool", said a source close to club captain Tony McDonnell (approximately 20 feet - you know, just out of earshot). "The worst thing is the lies, those claims that he was on holiday are total bull."

Dr Science-man said his panel of experts had analysed Patient Zero’s exposure to the public. "We formulated an equation based on the numbers present at games since the fake tan, the average distance other individuals and the patient as well as one unit of ‘that Friday feeling’ due to the away game in Cork", he said.

"Our initials findings are that he looks stupid", said Prof. Smarticus. "I must stress these results are only provisional."

STIG consulted that well known source of inaccurate information, Wikipedia in order to learn more about Tanorexia. It said:

Symptoms include intense anxiety if a day of tanning is missed. Competion among peers to see who can get the darkest tan can cause additional anxiety. This a danger as some people’s skin will tan more, less or even a different tone altogether, as well as freckle. Everyone’s skin reacts differntly to sunlight.

A "Tanorexic" person will begin to see themselves as white and could attempt to tan up to five or more times per week in the quest to get the darkest tan possible. As anorexia nervosa creates a fear of gaining any weight whatsoever, so "Tanorexia" creates a fear of losing what colour an individual has gained on their skin."

We’re not kidding, that’s the actual entry.

STIG attempted to confront Gary Dicker, the alleged Patient Zero, about his alleged addiction but our reporter was blinded by Dicker’s skin on the way to greet him and he escaped before our man could recover.

"The danger Patient Zero poses at present is limited due to no-one attending the Waterford and Longford games and the fact that most students are away", said Dr Science-man.

"He will however become an extreme threat if the tan does not disappear soon", he said. "The repeats are on soon and the students who end up sitting them fall into the ‘Extreme Risk’ category for Tanorexia."

Term restarts soon after the repeats end. "If the tan isn’t gone by then...well what would happen is unthinkable", said Prof. Smarticus.

In an interesting side note, shares in Chartbusters have reached a record high after signing Gary Dicker to a series of advertisements for their tanning booths.

Prof Smarticus said that while the bigger picture is important we must not forget that Patient Zero, allegedly Gary Dicker, is a victim.

"While he may bring about the end of civilisation as we know it we should acknowledge the suffering he is enduring", said Prof Smarticus.

"Ribbings from team mates, getting mocked by his family and already he has been insulted in STIG."

This article originally appeared in Volume 6, issue 5 of STIG.