There and in the Black Again, Part I

This is the tale of the One Ring of Debt, forged long ago in the fires of Mount Financial Doom in the dark land of The People’s Republic of Mordor in order to corrupt the clubs of associated footballing men. It brings great power to those who wield it, but at a terrible price.

Waterfrodo sat writing by candlelight, the only sounds the scrape of the quill on parchment and the crackle of the fire. A soft breeze from the open window tugged at the pages of his diary. He got up to close the window when a loud knock at the door startled him. Who would come at this hour? He opened the door to find old Gandalimerick outside, clearly agitated.

“Waterfrodo, may I come in?”

“You’re always welcome here Gandalimerick. Come in.”

Gandalimerick hurried into the sitting room and paused by the fire. He stared at the flames as he said, “Waterfrodo, do you still have the Ring Bilbo gave you? Is it safe?”

Puzzlement furrowed Waterfrodo’s brow, “Yes, of course. It’s safe.”

“Show it to me.”

Waterfrodo walked to a chest and rummaged around in it until he found a yellowing envelope. He gave it to Gandalimerick, who tossed it on the fire.

“Hey! What are you doing?” asked Waterfrodo, indignant.

“Patience, young Waterfrodo.” Gandalimerick found the tongs and reached into the fire with them. As he withdrew them, there was a glint of gold. “Take it, it’s quite cool.” He dropped the gold ring into Waterfrodo’s hand. “You see the fiery writing around the side Waterfrodo? All these years, it was right under my nose.” Gandalimerick let out a tired sigh.

“What is it?” asked Waterfrodo.

“Now that’s quite a tale... one worth telling though,” replied Gandalimerick. “What you hold in your hand my lad is the One Ring of Debt, forged a long time ago to bring about the ruin of the football clubs of men.”

“How does it work?” asked Waterfrodo.

“I don’t really know. I have an accountant for that,” replied Gandalimerick, “but it must be destroyed.”

And so Waterfrodo set out with his trusted friend Shamwise Rovergee in an attempt to destroy the Ring of Debt. After a strange encounter with Mad Tom in the woods, where he tipped Derry for the title, they arrived in Bray, where they were to meet up with Gandalimerick again. Sitting in the local inn, they saw a strange man in the corner, nursing a pint as he stared at them. He drained his glass and came over to them.

“You’d do well to hide that better,” he said to Waterfrodo. “My name is Galwaragorn, and this,” he paused dramatically as he removed a shattered sword from his scabbard, “is the Nick Gleeson, which was broken, and will be reforged.”

That night Waterfrodo’s room was raided by the Nazgűl, or Revenuewraiths, but heeding a warning from Galwaragorn, he had hidden elsewhere. The following morning, Waterfrodo, Shamwise and Galwaragorn set out for Brandywell, where they would await Gandalimerick. On the way there, they were attacked, and Waterfrodo suffered a terrible wound, but they reached Brandywell in time to fix him up. When Gandalimerick arrived, he called for an Independent Assessment Group, which would choose a Fellowship to destroy the Ring.

And so the Fellowship was chosen – Waterfrodo, the Ringbearer, Shamwise, his trusty companion, Galwaragorn, who carried Nick Gleeson reforged, Gandalimerick the Blue and Droghomir of Goner. They set off for the People’s Republic of Mordor and Mount Financial Doom, with hope in their hearts and a big supply of pot noodle, which has the advantage of tasting the same when it’s gone off. Unfortunately, bad weather forced them to use the mines of Little Rock to get past the mountains.

“Be careful here folks,” said Gandalimerick, “for the people of Little Roc dug too deep and unleashed a dread terror. It might still be here, though this place was awarded a licence last year.”

They walked through the gloom of that deserted place, made nervous by Gandalimerick’s tales and the flickering, leaping shadows. Two days in, they were attacked by a horde of creditorks, and fled for their lives. Cornered, they prepared for their last stand.

“Why are they fleeing?” asked Shamwise, incredulous.

Galwaragorn clenched his jaw muscles heroically, “Look at the red glow from around the corner.”

“What makes a red glow like that Gandalimerick?” asked Waterfrodo.

“Dunno. But if it scares off the creditorks, I suggest we run the other way.”

They fled as the Auditor rounded the corner. Thirty foot high it stood, made of flames and darkness and pointy things. It made chase, and gained steadily. Reaching a narrow bridge, the Fellowship crossed quickly, and then stopped and turned for no reason to see the Auditor reach the side opposite them and stop, also for no reason. Gandalimerick walked calmly back onto the bridge. He stopped just short of the middle for no particular reason. The Auditor approached. Gandalimerick slammed his staff on to the bridge, shattering it and causing the Auditor to fall into the abyss below. Gandalimerick turned to leave as the Auditor’s whip snagged his ankle. He fell, desperately grabbing the edge of what remained of the bridge. “Fly, you fools,” he whispered, before he lost his grip.

The Fellowship continued on their way, sad at the loss of Gandalimerick. They paused for some white water rafting to cheer themselves up, when Waterfrodo noticed something. “Galwaragorn, I think something is following us.”

“Yes, it’s Shelmeagol. He has been following for a while now. Don’t worry.”

They soon reached the Falls of Rauros, which they would have to pass on foot. Waterfrodo had wandered off to be alone for a bit when Droghomir appeared. He tried to take the Ring from Waterfrodo, who ran away. Suddenly, the Fellowship was attacked by creditorks. Droghomir died heroically, trying to defend a couple of characters who didn’t make the final cut of this article. Waterfrodo and Shamwise escaped on a boat, while Galwaragorn chased the creditorks over an unfeasibly long distance. And so the Fellowship was broken.

To be continued…

This article originally appeared in print in STIG Volume VII, Issue II