WIKITRAVEL – EIRCOM LEAGUE

Following international criticism of North Korea as “an eircom League state”, STIG provides a tourist guide to the eircom League, written again with thanks to Wikipedia’s article on North Korea and our trusty find-and-replace function

Avoid visiting the league at all costs. If you do go, you will travel with a host club, who will provide food and reading material of hugely variable quality. Current travel advice is only to go if you are prepared to avoid causing any kind of trouble, bow to and only praise the leadership; no complaints should be made of the ruling authorities as your hosts would be at risk of large fines for being “outside the family of football”. Under no circumstances whatsoever are you to say something that could be perceived as an insult to the leaders or their style of leadership, or to Shelbourne and their government. You and your hosts are likely to face serious trouble, although your hosts will bear the worst of it.

It is important to emphasize that the government of the league – in particular the leaders John-Del Ayni and Ol-Lee Burn – are completely intolerant of anything it perceives as disrespectful to the league or its leaders. While slavish devotion is not necessary (at least for tourists, although the more praise you shower on them the better), insulting them in any way is illegal and will get you and (much more so) your hosts into trouble. In the eircom League, ’in trouble’ does not mean a slap on the wrist – the league is renowned for very harsh punishments.

John-Del Ayni ruled as dictator until his dismissal for charges relating to the sale of Ireland tickets to corporations, thereby screwing over fans and the association alike, in 1994, and his son, also John-Del Ayni, but who insists upon being called “Great Leader”, has ruled the league ever since.

Any trouble you cause as a tourist will likely be blamed on your host club’s inability to control you, and they will bear the brunt of the penalties,

Talking about the league is a bureaucratic nightmare, and your every word will be monitored by the leaders. There are those who have called for a boycott on tourism to Lansdowne Road, due to club abuses in the country or how tourism may help finance the leaders.

A film, provisionally titled Team FAI – Fuck You is in the pipeline at the moment, featuring a puppet John Delaney character controlled by strings. We can’t reveal the puppet-master’s name as he is currently trying to sue a Derry fan for comments made on an internet forum, and has been on to us in the not so distant past as well. But I’m sure you can guess.

This article originally appeared in print in STIG Volume VI, Issue VIII