We are the Shels to Sea network: concerned fans from all clubs of the league who seek to draw attention to the nefarious plans to save Shelbourne FC by hellish methods.

Shels to Sea is an international, non violent campaign, rooted in the eircom League community. We seek to ensure the proposed summoning of all the demons of hell be conducted offshore, as is best practice. In doing so we seek to highlight the negligent environmental, health, safety, planning and economic consequences of this FAI backed plan. We are not the property of any party or movement and we disassociate ourselves from negative campaigning and tactics that many media outlets have attempted to associate us with. We have been campaigning for several years and continue to face intimidation, slander and significant hardship as a result.

However, we are growing in strength, numbers and confidence. We will remain peaceful, committed and determined in the coming days, weeks months – and years if necessary!

Health and Safety Fact Sheet

The plan to save Shelbourne FC is rooted in a terrible betrayal by the FAI. In an ancient ritual, not performed since Frank Sinatra ’died’, will open a portal to hell itself, thus providing Shelbourne with enough legal and accounting talent to stave off the combined forces of the Revenue, licensing committee and former players with a single piece of bookkeeping which will fantastically reveal that Shelbourne actually owns Croke Park.

The document outlining this plan, which Stig had to kill many deceptively cute white rabbits (sourced from Caerbannog) to get hold of, fails to mention how Shelbourne will fill the stadium adequately to pay for running costs. All we could find were vague references to reducing ticket prices and something about reaching the group stages of the Champions’ League. Stig regards this as financially reckless.

The plan to pack the team with zombies, saving in player wages and ending the club’s player crisis is also shocking. Stig believes that the environmental impact of introducing zombies into the Northside is likely to be significant, thought the economic side-effects are unlikely to be felt until the zombies cross the Liffey in search of brains.

We brought this to the attention of the league licensing committee. They called the plan “visionary”.

Trust Fact Sheet

Trust is a crucial factor in any relationship and has emerged as a major issue between Shels and the Revenue, among their many varied creditors, along with various other community partners. The following section takes a look at only a fraction of the cases contributing to Shels poor reputation both locally and international regarding breaches of trust.

Breaches of Local Trust

In 2005, five eircom League fans are jailed for 49 days because they believed that the leyline which Shels attempted to run through their club is unsafe. The subsequent independent Vatican report into the leyline vindicated their position and ordered Shels to reduce the operating pressure of the leyline.

Shels have emitted vital information from their planning application about the emission of raw gas into the atmosphere during the cold venting process of Ollie Byrne’s spleen.

Shels have breached planning and been ordered to dismantle 3km of illegally constructed leylines claiming that it came “pre-welded”. Stig isn’t sure how you weld leylines, but reckons it’s pretty environmentally reckless anyway.

Shels have commenced construction of the project prior to having all licences and planning permissions in place.

Breaches of International Trust

2005 Sao Paulo, Brazil, investigations found that the land and water including drinking water of the area had been contaminated with Alan Moore. Medical tests at the facility proved that the type of toxins associated with a Shels pre-season tour contaminated workers at the facility. Shelbourne also failed to pay their hotel bill.

2001 Durban, South Africa, the local police force reports 117 separate allege instances of Shels players selling dodgy mobile phones to unsuspecting locals.

1996, Nigeria, Shels has ignored a governmental order to pay US$1,000,000,000 for its extensive damage to the Niger Basin in Nigeria. The area that was once known as Nigeria’s breadbasket is now deeply scared by the substantial flooding which destroyed all records of Shels tax liabilities and debt accrued in the period 1991-1996. Shels have denied all knowledge of the demand, though some commentators have suggested that the email likely wound up in their spam folder.

Can we really trust Shels as our neighbours?

Bully Tactics

If peaceful protesters are breaking the law then they should be peacefully arrested and formally charged. The threats and fines over minor criticisms of the FAI have been mounting over the last couple of years. Maribor was the first fan in the history of the state to have been baton charged over an internet connection. Do we live in a democracy where everyone’s opinion counts or a police state, where you agree with what the FAI says or be baton charged?

It is obvious that the FAI and Shels feel that bully tactics are more effective than local consultation. Stig mainly feels this because that nice man from Genesis told us so after kicking us in the nuts for asking for a consultation outside of Galway.

This article originally appeared in print in STIG Volume VII, Issue III