REBEL ARMY

RIDDEN ROCK SOLID (AGAIN)

By some Shels fan called Des

It all started a few years back, when Pat Dolan became the manager of Cork City Football Club. Yes, THAT far back.

It was obvious to Friendly Pat that the ’Rebel Army’ was being prejudiced against by the Dublin-oriented league. Decisions would go against them, the Dublin clubs would be treated in a more favourable way. It really was horrible. Luckily Friendly Pat brought this travesty to the attention of the ’Rebel Army’ fans, they all fell in love with Friendly Pat and believed every word he said. He was the new hero of Cork Soccer. Indeed, The Saviour, The Messiah.

Alas, Friendly Pat had to leave, Big Bad Brian, the owner of the club, sent him away. Some of the ’Rebel Army’ fans still cannot accept that this event in fact occurred, and cling to the hope that their Messiah will return to lead them to Glory, the promised land of back-to-back league titles. Even though when Friendly Pat was in charge, his team never beat their main rivals from Nasty Dublin (Evil Shels) in battle in Turner’s X, or even a League Title.

When Friendly Pat left, Big Bad Brian put Rowdy Rico in charge of his team. Some of Friendly Pat’s closest friends could not accept this, so tried to undermine Rowdy Rico, he was from Nasty Dublin after all. But Rico faced up to his in-house adversaries and delivered the League Title, still some people remained loyal to Friendly Pat and continued to call for the departure of Rico.

The following season, while Rico lead his troops to battle in Europe, Evil Shels from Nasty Dublin did the business and re-took the league title, although on the way they tried all manner of cunning evilness. Rico spotted this, spotted that his team were being ’ridden rock solid’ It seems Friendly Pat was right after all! The Dublin-Centric organisers of the battle were putting as many obstacles in the way of the ’Rebel Army’ keeping their title. It was obvious to all people from Cork.

Anyway, Evil Shels’ Evil Deeds finally caught up with them, and they were banished to the wastelands. Rico decided he might need some extra troops for the new battles, and he went and got the legendary El Spooferino, Formally a battler for the Nasty Dubs known as Da Boez, indeed he had been their general, but he was ready to go into battle again, having spent some time honing his skills in Britannia. Another battler from Britannia was called to the fold - The Healenator. Together they would help the ’Rebel Army’ to conquer all before them! Yipee!

However, the Nasty Dubs had been in contact with their secret agents in the global pantheon known as FIFA, and told them that they would not accept this, The ’Rebel Army’ could not be allowed to rise again.

FIFA agreed with the Nasty Dubs, and told Big Bad Brian that his two new gladiators would not be allowed take part in battles until the middle of the year. They had done battle for too many other armies in the previous year. Rico was angry, he began spitting and using big words.

The saga took another twist when the ’Rebel Army’ appealed to FIFA, but were shot down.

What people don’t seem to realise, is that there is not in fact any conspiracy – The Nasty Dubs and the FAI had offered to help, but Big Bad Brian and Rico decided that they would be better off alone – they were the ’Rebel Army’ after all.

This article originally appeared in print in STIG Volume VII, Issue III