THE DRAGONS’ DEN

Narrator – "Welcome to the Dragons’ Den.   Some of Ireland’s budding entrepreneurs are looking for funding for their businesses from the Dragons – Duncan Bannatyne, Peter Jones, Theo Paphitis, Richard Farleigh and Deborah Meaden – who are going to be investing their own money.   Don’t forget, the rules of the Dragons’ Den say that you must leave with all the money you’re looking for, or else you leave with nothing."

"The first person to try to tempt the Dragons is Oliver Byrne, with his business ’Shelbourne FC Limited’"

OB – "Hello Dragons.   My name is Ollie Byrne, and I’m here to ask you for €300,000 for a 21% stake in my company, Shelbourne FC Limited."

[Long pause.   Dragons look on curiously]

OB – "Emmm...can I have my money now?"

DB – "Hi Ollie.   Do you mind if I ask you a few questions first?"

OB – "Questions?!   Can I not just have my money?"

DB – "Emm...no...?   You’re not with your SSDG grouping now Ollie.   It’s a nice company name, but what does it do?"

N – "Duncan Bannatyne wants to know what Ollie’s company actually does."

OB – "Eh...well...I run a highly successful football club and I dabble in other industries as well from time to time – recreational legal drugs, the horse racing industry, various things."

DB – "And is that what this company does?"

OB – "Well, it’s not what the company does that’s important – it’s what it could do."

N – "Ollie insists that it’s not what the company does that’s important, but rather what it could do.   Peter Jones isn’t convinced."

PJ – "Hi Ollie.   Peter Jones.   I’m not convinced.   Have you any financial information?   €300,000 for 21% gives a value for the company of €1.4m.   Where does the company’s value come from?"

OB – "Well, I..."

TP (interrupting) – "Hold on.   I know you.   You were over when they were filming that Harchester United Champions’ League game at Millwall.   You’re Shelbourne FC, aren’t you?!   I knew I’d heard that name before!   I’m out."

N – "Theo Paphitis is out.   His inside knowledge of the football business has come in handy.   And now Peter Jones has found the company’s accounts."

PJ – "Ollie, I’ve just downloaded the May 2006 accounts for the company from the internet.   The company is dormant.   You’re asking me to value a dormant company at €1.4m and you won’t tell me what it plans to do?"

OB – "They’re old accounts.   I think we would have to have a more recent picture to make up our minds on this one.   You don’t seem to have that information at hand so it’s pointless debating that now."

PJ – "Eh...OK so.   I’m out then."

DM – "Ollie – your company does nothing, holds nothing and you won’t tell us your plans for it, yet you want €300,000.   I can’t imagine anyone stupid enough to invest in that."

DM, RF and DB together – "I’m out."

N – "Ollie’s bid has completely collapsed.   All five Dragons are out."

Ollie makes a dash towards the table, where the money is stacked.   A security guard comes from off camera and drags him away.   Ollie vows to tell his mate John on the Dragons.

N – "Next into the Den is Ronan Seery.   He’s looking for €1,500,000 for his business, Little Roc Promotions Limited – the biggest amount ever sought from the Dragons.   Will his bid be successful?"

RS – "Hello Dragons.   My name is Ronan Seery, and I’m looking for €1,500,000 to invest in my company, Little Roc Promotions Limited, trading as Dublin City FC.

"What is Dublin City FC?   It’s new, it’s fresh and everybody wants to be a part of it.   We want to promote Dublin City as the football club of Dublin.   The city is a massive resource for support.   In future, we want all the young people in Dublin to have the ambition of playing for Dublin City in Europe.   Everyone, from Bray to Balbriggan!

"Nobody’s taken the step and we said let’s go for it.   The interest and support we have had is huge.  We’re hoping to be an eircom Premier club with a huge support, hopefully playing in Abbotstown and in Europe within five years. "There’s no reason why it won’t happen."

N – "The Dragons are impressed with Ronan’s presentation.   Theo Paphitis wants to know more."

TP – "Ronan.   Very good presentation.   Sounds interesting.   How long have you had this company?"

RS – "Five years.   We’ve already secured promotion to the Premier Division and, although we got relegated, we bounced back immediately and are currently in mid-table.   So we’re getting towards our target."

N – "Ronan’s club has been promoted twice, which shows good bouncebackability.   Theo now wants to know about break even crowds."

TP – "And what’s your break even crowd level?"

RS – "We’ve projected 1,500 to break even for this season.   We expect that to rise to 3,000 next year, 6,000 in Year 3 and 12,000 in Year 5.   By this time, we expect to be in the Champions’ League Group stages, experiencing the Rosenborg effect, and possibly looking at entering an Atlantic League for clubs who have outgrown their domestic leagues and wish to move on."

N – "Ronan expects his club to be in the Champions’ League in five years’ time, with an eye on the Atlantic leagues."

TP [Looks around irritatedly] – "Would that narrator ever shut up?!   I don’t need him to tell me what I’ve just been told!!"

N – "Theo is unhappy that I’m constantly repeating what’s just been said.   Deborah Meaden, however, has an idea.   She gets out a gun and..."

[BANG!!!]

TP – "Cheers Deborah!"

RF – "Thank God for that!"

DM – "Don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, to be honest!"

TP – "So Ronan, you’re looking at breakeven crowds of 1,500 this year.   What’s the current level?"

RS – "Well, as I said, we expect to have everyone from Bray to Balbriggan supporting us shortly and..."

TP – "That’s not the question.   What’s your current level of support?"

RS – "Emmm...About 500."

TP [open-mouthed] "So you’re pulling in about 1,000 people less than your break-even?!   At 20 games a season and €15 per head, that’s what – E300,000 loss a year the way you’re currently working?!"

RS – "Yeah, but you got to spend money to make money!"

TP – "But you’re not making any money, are you?   I’m sorry, but your business plan sounds like a complete fantasy, and it certainly isn’t reflected in the current figures.   There’s no way I can invest in this.   I’m out."

RF – "Ronan, what are your plans for the €1,500,000?"

RS – "Well, I’ve had a few small liquidity problems of late, and I need the cash for the final push towards all that stuff I was telling you about earlier."

RF – "And could you not get a loan from the bank or mortgage your house?"

RS – "I did – all that money’s in the company.   That’s how much I believe in this vision.   Football clubs aren’t cheap, you know."

RF – "You said you’ve had a few small liquidity problems.   What do you mean by that?"

RS – "Well, technically we’ve been shut down and are in liquidation.   But I reckon with an investment of €1,500,000, we can clear all debts and soon start trading recklessly again."

PJ – "Jesus Christ – where do they get these people?! Deborah – throw me that gun."

Narrator – "Well, that’s it from the Dragons’ Den for this week. None of our hopefuls have gone away with money, though they appear to have been lucky to escape with their lives really! Here’s a glimpse of next week’s show."

TP – "So you’re asking me for money to bridge the gap between the extra prize money for Shels and the money you’re taking from the smaller clubs by increased league fees?!"

DB – "No Ian – it’s not that Den."

DM – "You want €100,000, yet you’ve just sold your best player to your brother on the cheap?!"

This article originally appeared in STIG volume 6, issue 6.