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Damien Richardson
Ricoese
Before we can continue, it would be negligent of us not to warn you about Ricoese. Superficially,
this sounds like English, but in fact, it’s either (a)bollocks or (b)Damien Richardson’s
own personal language. We’ll let you decide, but if you start to feel lost, you can always
consult STIG’s very own Ricoese-English and English-Ricoese dictionary - the solitary receptacle
of dictionarial information promulgated by Damien Richardson!
A few examples:
ENGLISH - RICOESE
The boy done well - “Harkin’s skills were the embroiderment on this rich tapestry
of a game.”
There’s nobody back defending - “The absenteeism in the reverse area of the team is
overwhelming.”
RICOESE - ENGLISH
“Trepidatious” - ???
“The penalty area was denuded” - ???
Okay, so maybe we’re still missing some stuff. It’s still better than nothing, you insensitive clod!
Interview with STIG
This interview was made up by STIG around late 2002.
For the first time ever, STIG has actually gone out and done a bit of work in getting an article together.
Unfortunately for us, this involved going out and interviewing former Shamrock Rovers and Shelbourne boss
Damien Richardson. Our tape recorder blew up half-way through, so the saner bits of what we remember are
transcribed below. Be careful...!
STIG - So, Damien, what have you been up to since you left your post at Rovers?
DR - Time is a relative thing, and you know, when you leave something, you don't actually depart, you are
merely waiting for the next thing to arrive, and so in a way, you never left at all.
STIG - Have......Have you any intentions of getting back into football?
DR - Well, when the lower end of the leg connects with the skin of leather, one can pierce the outer shell
that exists if one wants to proclaim oneself in the land where prams are a juvenile fashion accessory.
STIG - So, you're saying that you're throwing your hat into the ring for the Dundalk job?
DR - The propulsion of a head receptacle is dangerous, especially when it returns between the two towers of
the fellowship, and were the towers to collapse around me, would one consider moving to foreign pastures, like
Phibsboro...?
STIG - Em, right...eh...moving along so...
DR - But what is movement?
STIG - Indeed...em...what...what would be your view of the whole eircom Park/Bertie Bowl fiasco which has been
raging again recently?
DR - The decision of the government to use Abbotstown was a strange one, but to stop was even stranger. Just
as when then panda is released from captivity, one must ask what Mr. Harney ever saw in her in the first place,
so does the Abbotstown project strike me as being strange.
STIG - The eircom League has recently signed a new deal with TV3 for to show a regular Monday nights highlights
programme - how do you see this development affecting the game here?
DR - eircom's shares dropped when the RTÉ deal fell through. However, when a broadcaster with the durability
and gaelicity of the third televisual broadcasting system arrived, they soon went back into the darkened version
of brown or purple or maybe navy. As when the seagulls fly over the Carlisle Grounds and wonder why the King
cannot shake the rump any more and yet still Bray Wanderers remain in the Premiere Division.
STIG - (stunned silence)
DR - Am I to take it from this interlude of taciturnity that you do not comprehend what I am vocalising?
STIG - Em...about...about four of them, Damien.
DR - What?
STIG - Em...never mind, never mind. Where was I? Oh, God! I was interviewing Damien Richardson!
Ehhh...sorry, Damien. What memories would you have as a player, then?
DR - Memories are fleeting - one must focus on the present. However, history remains a decisive factor
as without it, one would not have transformed into thundercats.
STIG - Ah...so you're a Mumm-Ra fan, then?
DR - You fail to realise the design behind my verbal excretion, as when I say the cats of the sound of
lightning, I refer to comparisons with Skeletor, whose nemesis He-Man was akin to Ronseal and delivered
as promised on metallic receptacles and Ronseal is a word often used in a film by the brothers Coen in the
film Lebowski the Great.
STIG - (Pause) Okay...I...so...yeah, Mumm-Ra was cool alright. So, quick question - who do you see
winning tonight?
DR - The battle between the two towers of greatness gathering here can be decided by the cup of the blue at
the half-time, which can be consumed with great vigour. The real decision shall not come until after the game,
when the respective followings shall partake in Mortal Kombat on the fields of basketball.
STIG - Ooookayyyy...I think I'm going to be leaving now...so, finally, what does the future hold for you?
DR - Yes.
Guest Column
Rico’s only ever guest column in STIG. We must ensure that it never happens again...
It's always the same sometimes, you know when the sparrowhawk plays on the wing it means that he is looking to cross the ball to the wing tipped hoofmachine in the box yet he must be wary of the species known as the 6-4 Gypsy, for the 6-4 Gypsy has a tendency of spoiling the sparrow's day and eating it for breakfast.
When the students asked me to write for them I felt that someone of my eloquent physique should ascertain more than mere script-worthiness so I began a trek to the end of the beginning and found myself back where I had started yet also at the end of where I had started. As I finished I found a 6-4 gypsy consulting a drunken bluebird on how to frustrate sparrow of the hooped variety and they came to the agreement, that is to say that they failed to disagree, that if one has a manger who promotes the oral production of excrement, that is to say someone who talks shite, then one can never achieve victory over either species except in the latter part of years ending in 1.
So it is time for me to bid you adieu, but is it really me saying goodbye, of auf wiederseh’n, or slán, or sayonara, or is it just a representation of one of the many beings that live in the darkest recesses of Peter Pan's soul.
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